I hate TJ on a good day, I hate TJ on a bad day. I basically hate him a little more or a little less on any given day.
Don’t get me wrong, he is a great dad. He would give anyone the shirt off his back. But I hate him. I hate him to the point it makes me want to rip out my eyes.
You may ask, why are you saying this? Why are you writing this? Why are you with this person?
The answer is, I don’t know. I feel a type of catharsis to writing it out and saying it out loud and screaming it to the world. It’s a lot easier than screaming it to his face. I’ve put my blog on hold for the past few months. I knew I needed to write this and get this off my chest. The heaviness of not writing this has had a sort of a block on all the other pieces I’ve needed to get out.
I hate him for small things. Like the way he opens the milk carton and leaves the plastic tab off the milk and leaves it on the counter, or how I’m looking for him and he’s always in the bathroom, or when I am looking for him and he doesn’t say he’s gone out. I hate how the kids or myself ask him to fix something and he completely ignores it. [One time, I told him I was stuck in the closet after fixing it and was calling him for help, he never came and doesn’t remember me asking him..]. I can’t for the life of me understand why I chose this person to be my partner.
I hate him for many more reasons; he has undoubtably ruined my life on more than one occasion. Cost me friends, family, work; my sanity. He has let me down time and time again. To the point where I have walked away.
I have blamed TJ for years of short-comings, years of emotional turmoil, years of confusion and “trying”. I have blamed him that my life is not where I want it to be. Reading this now, I sound like a huge tw*t. I sound like a terrible person. I sound like I’m the one with the problem. It’s true. I AM the one with the problem.
For years, I was blindly in love with TJ. To the point, I couldn’t see straight. I lost relationships, burned bridges, and lost who I was. All for him. I didn’t see myself do it until I spent some time, finding myself.
Okay, okay guys, this is my rant. You let me have it, now let me get to the point of this entry. It’s not to just bash on TJ. The poor guy. He has been so nice to me lately. Probably the “nicest” he has been in — years.
Now let me get to the nitty gritty of it all. TJ and I have some amazing years together, we have some mediocre years together, and we have some God damn awful years together. But over the years, I’ve just found a way to dislike him even more. I literally see all of his shortcomings. Things that are important to me are not important to him, he isn’t mindful of everything I want him to be mindful of. His forgetfulness has become contagious. I am not the person I felt like I once was.
I am not the person I once was when I first met TJ. I was uptight, sheltered — naïve. I had this image in my mind of what “love” and “relationships” should be. I had this image of him in my head that didn’t exist. I wanted him to be something he isn’t. I learned that the problem with me hating TJ, wasn’t TJ, it was me.
My problem was, I wanted TJ to be someone he isn’t. I wanted him to be better, do better, and be more like me.. better :P. We have had many conversations about how we are so different. I’ve come to terms that while we are so different, there is so much of us that is the same. We have the same dreams, the same goals, we want the same life. We are so aligned that way. I think that’s why we both kept coming back.
When I went on my personal journey to finding myself, I learned about what I wanted for my life, and what was truly important to me. Beyond the milk cartons, and beyond the forgetfulness.. those are the small things in life. They are more like life’s annoyances like mosquitos in the summer. They will always be there, but it’s the big stuff that matters.
We have beautiful children, a lovely home, and our hearts are both full of love. That’s when I knew he was my person. Not only did he see things the same way as I did, but he has more love in his heart than I have in the world. His kindness to others goes far beyond mine. He has more love to give than I do.
I guess my point is, life isn’t perfect and neither is our relationship. I will probably spend the rest of my life questioning it for the little things when the big things are no longer in sight. At the end of the day, it’s the big things that matter. It’s the fact that we have the same dreams, same goals, and have the same core values that really allows us to be together and want to stay together even when things aren’t “working out”.