Ode to 2020

This is a few days late. I wanted to fully absorb and reflect on the past year before I wrote what I thought about it. As I write this, I have a baby across from me drinking some warmed almond milk with cinnamon and honey, demanding my attention, the boys are jumping around, eating, watching movies, and I am wondering how important it is for me to be writing this right now.

I’ve decided it’s important. It’s important for my own personal therapy. Writing is my therapy. When I am struggling, when I am wondering, when I am lost as well as found; I am inspired to write.

2020 was the year the world stood still but I feel like my growth over the past year was greater than any year before. I have experienced great highs in 2020 and insurmountable lows. I have gained friends, lost friends, renewed friendships, built relationships, and as well, destroyed some.

I started this year not knowing who I was because I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I ended this year knowing who I want to be and what goals I wanted to reach next. I am not looking for “new year, new me” although, I feel I am working towards that image. I am not working towards a “new me” but a “me” that I want to be. I want to be brave; I want to be happy; I want to be free.

Things I’m learning in my 30’s that I wish I knew in my 20’s:

  • establish boundaries and stick to them
  • be okay with saying goodbye
  • if it does not serve you– if it does not influence you to be the best version of yourself; walk away
  • be mindful of the people you surround yourself with

I never thought of myself as an empath. In fact, it was one of the weaker areas of my life. I lacked empathy. I held up a hard front, I did not let other people get to me, I was hardened by my work and my life. I find now, I absorb feelings, energies, and emotions of those around me. I have softened myself and succumbed to embracing humility. I will still revert to hardness and insensitivity sometimes as a coping mechanism and to protect myself. I am a work and wxmen in progress. I am imperfect and I accept that I will always continue to work on myself.

I am dedicating my 2021 to myself. I hope to continue growing, learning, loving, and living. I want to find peace where I am, peace with my career path, peace in my relationships. I want to bring more calm into my life. I want to be the most authentic version of myself. I hope you will all continue to come with me on this journey of me, loving me.

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